So many little things

So here I am again, home alone, waiting for a friend to come over.

It’s so isolating not being able to ride anymore, I have my bus pass but that’s not nearly the same thing.

And He’s gone out to a friends, so I couldn’t ride anyway, but that’s not the point in my head.

The point is…because of her I can’t ride with Him, I can’t go out with Him, I can’t be as fully in His life as I once was…and she’s done that.

No-one else has anything to do with this, I can’t ride with Him because of her.

No one understands this, people at work, lovely though their sentiments are, can never understand the loss because they’ve never been there.  I appreciate their words of kindness and understanding, but that’s just it, they don’t understand. They’ve never been through it.  

The Giant was the one I called on in my time of need because I couldn’t cross the road just after the accident. I didn’t call anyone else, just him, he was the only one I knew wouldn’t try to understand, how could he? But what he did was understand how it was affecting me, and I was important to him.  He knew he couldn’t understand, but because he was a friend, he didn’t need to understand how I felt, just that I was feeling it. He’s been my rock for quite a while now, and I don’t know what I would do without him sometimes. He makes my job more bearable, being able to see him most days, even for a moment, to know that there is someone there who doesn’t expect me to be everything all the time, who expects me to be the neurotic, scared, angry, professional, narcissistic, megalomaniac that he knows and loves.  I owe him a lot.

And so I sit here, texting The Giant, and being on MSN messenger to Him, knowing that these two men mean everything to me, whilst listening to “Equilibrium” playing on Netflix, because I can, and because neither of them want me to be anywhere else.  I really should be making an effort to do some of The Dreaded Quest, but I really can’t be bothered right now. I should be sorting out the washing and drying and probably having a shower, but I can’t be bothered to do that either!

So I think I’ll go for a fag!


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